


Gone to Find Myself; Don't Know When I'll Be Back

by Tatau



Category: due South
Genre: Gen, Identity Issues, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 18:39:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2783657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tatau/pseuds/Tatau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before Ray starts the Vecchio assignment he ponders who he is and what his life means, now that Stella has left him. In glimpses, Ray comes back to the question of who he is or who he wants to be - until he realizes something on the quest</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone to Find Myself; Don't Know When I'll Be Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesireeArmfeldt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesireeArmfeldt/gifts).



> Dear Desiree Armfeldt, I wish you a merry Christmas and I hope you'll enjoy your Seekrit Santa! :)  
> Beta was done incredibly speedy and as awesome as is her trademark by the wonderful [redacted until after reveal]

 

Jeff, Duck, Dodd, Newbie, Hugo, Billy...they were all him. His fingers stroked the old driver's license before flicking it back into the metal box. Ray sighed and ruffled his hair, leaving the spikes into even wilder disarray. He’d been so many people, sometimes he felt it was hard to keep track.

His glance ghosted over the divorce papers lying on the bed. Who was he, like, really? A big fake. Angrily, he shoved the papers in with the remnants of his former lives. He was a con-job then and he was a con-job now...maybe Stella had always known that he wasn’t what he pretended to be? Hadn’t he always tried to be several people at once? Fat lot of good that did him.

And now what? Wearily, he picked up his new badge: Detective First Grade, Raymond Vecchio. He eyed himself in the mirror over the rim of the leather casing. He didn’t look like a Vecchio, not a single thing about him looked Italian...he didn’t look like a Raymond either if anybody had bothered to ask him. Ray, Ray Vecchio. So, he’d get to keep half his name then? His job, too. New background, well, mostly. At least Ray wasn’t the only one with a divorce decree to his name. His smile was biting. Definitely a new partner. His eyebrows rose as he looked at the picture of the man in the uniform. That was...really bright. Canadian with a...wolf? Ray shrugged. Maybe they did things differently up north. The stack of case files had baffled Ray with its content. Demented terrorists, illegal horse meat, organized crime, aliens...Ray shook his head and whistled through his teeth. Maybe this Vecchio-guy was a real magnet for the crazy cases, but Ray would bet the Mountie’s hat that the guy in red was the real cause for weirdness. Gotta be...look at that uniform!

Get a new life...Ray rolled his shoulders to ease the tension that seemed to have permanently settled there. Why not?

 

~*~

 

"Rachel, how about the Floro on Friday? Martinis, some dancing - it'll be a great night!"

"I can't. I have a plant that needs watering."

Rachel, one of the civilian aids, pushed past them, and Fraser frowned. There was the flick over the eyebrow which Ray had already put down as one of the many quirks and nervous gestures his new partner had.

"Ray, forgive me for noticing, but I believe Rachel has already rejected you twice before. Why do you persist in pursuing this romantic engagement? I'm by no means an expert, but you appear to be setting yourself up for future disappointments."

Ray grinned at him. Being Vecchio was a piece of cake. Ray was just playing - it wasn't him that got rejected: it was Vecchio. And Ray didn't have to question his own sincerity in his advances. He was just being who he was supposed to be, nothing wrong with that.

Liber-whatsit--it was freeing not to be himself. Sure, fat lot of good that had done when Stella decided to date the biggest scumbag in the greater area of Chicago...but the rest of the time he could pretend he wasn't the world's biggest loser - and there was always Fraser. Ray winked at his partner's puzzled expression. Sure, he was a bit weird, but he honestly seemed to like Ray. That is, Stanley Raymond Kowalski as well as Ray Vecchio. Somehow, that made it harder to be Ray Vecchio. Because Ray could use a friend and he certainly didn't deserve a friend as good as Fraser, but if he got a shot at it he didn't want it to be like having a friend as Ray Vecchio.

Maybe this gig was ready for a bit of Ray Kowalski as well?

Changing his suits and trench coat for his old leather jacket almost felt like getting a part of his own life back. Could he be Ray Vecchio and still be Ray Kowalski, Fraser's partner and friend?

~*~

 

"It's great to be back, Benny."

"It's good to see you at your old desk again, Ray."

Ray mockingly imitated the exchange and angrily shoved an armful of notes into a folder already crammed with various papers.

Was this how it was going to go down? Vecchio showed up again and Ray's life went up like flash paper?

Let's face it - what life did he have to go back to? Sure, he'd been Vecchio and he'd known the guy would come back eventually...but this was his life now, too. Fraser was his partner and friend - and now he was supposed to just step back and watch his life crumble all over again?

"Ray?"

He whirled around at the sound of Fraser's voice.

"Would you like to get something to eat with me before we have to be at the meeting point?"

Confused, Ray glanced at Vecchio, busy joking with Huey at his desk. "What about him?"

Fraser turned his head and smiled at his old partner. "I think he deserves some time with his family. I believe his mother is very anxious to see him again."

Ray shrugged carelessly, hoping Fraser didn't see the elation taking flight inside of him. "Sure, let's go."

Sitting in the small, familiar diner, Ray contemplated his fries. If you took Vecchio away, what was left of him, really? Being Fraser's partner had changed him...he was one half of a duet. He knew who he was - who he wanted to be - but if Fraser went back to his old life with Vecchio...who would Ray become?

"Is everything alright, Ray?"

"Huh?" Ray's head snapped up. "Oh, yeah, just...not very hungry...." He went back to pushing his fries through puddles of ketchup. How could he be sure that he wouldn't go back to the bitter, disillusioned loser? That he wouldn't forget why he'd become a cop in the first place without Fraser to remind him what kind of man he wanted to be? Who believed that Ray could be a good guy?

"Ray, I believe it's--"

"Time to face the music...." Ray nodded and threw a half-hearted smile in Fraser's direction. "I know. Let's go take Muldoon down."

Fraser smiled back and nodded.

One last case together.

 

~*~

 

Ray had never known, before coming to the frozen north, that the crackling of a fire could be hypnotizing. The world was just so quiet up here - no, not quiet, just a different kind of noise: howling wind, traveling snow, cracking of ice...he looked around; sometimes it was hard to believe he'd made it to the northern end of this world.

Fraser estimated that they had about three more weeks before spring and thaw would make further travel too dangerous to continue.

Three weeks was not a long time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. There was nothing much to go back to in Chicago. And maybe Fraser would go back north - he definitely missed it enough.

Oddly enough, he didn't feel like panicking about it. The quest had taught him quite a bit about himself. And, who'd have thought? - there was a Ray Kowalski that existed away from his job, his family, his CV, and his fake IDs. Sure, there was always Fraser around and you needed to rely on your partner out here. But you also had to trust yourself, your abilities, your senses. Yeah, Ray had spent some time getting to know himself and shockingly enough, what he found wasn't so bad.

Still...Ray looked up from the flames and studied Fraser for a moment. He seemed to be explaining something written in the stars to Dief. Might be fun to stick around these two. Ray grinned. Ray wasn't the only one who needed reminding who he was. Fraser needed someone around to remind him that he wasn't just his job or his duties or his honor. Yeah...maybe we all needed someone to remind us of something.


End file.
